


Now You Want To Tell Me?

by collectingnames



Series: My Miracle (fjorclay collection) [9]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Commune, Confessions, Inspired by Art, M/M, caduceus has had ENOUGH, caduceus leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21827410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collectingnames/pseuds/collectingnames
Summary: Caduceus hates Rexxentrum, and has other places to be.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Series: My Miracle (fjorclay collection) [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1483838
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	Now You Want To Tell Me?

**Author's Note:**

> I am not completely caught up in writing this! I am one episode behind so just assume this takes place nebulously between episodes 87 and 88. This is 100% inspired by cruixe's piece and all the discussion in the fjorclay server of 'what if Caduceus left'/a Caduceus breakdown https://twitter.com/CruixeArt/status/1204949015734996992?s=19

Everything aches. There’s an ache in his back, in his knee, in his mind, in his soul, in his heart. He can recognize the stress that’s making his knuckles ache inside his gloves. A stress he hasn’t felt since that initial panic when he realized he was truly alone. Of course, he’s still alone. Just alone in crowded rooms, alone with other people. Strangers don’t ease the loneliness. If anything the more people he’s around the more it’s amplified like there’s an invisible hand grinding his face against a harsh stone. Each dash against it grinds dirt into the wounds, makes it burn and sting more than he can bear. His thoughts keep wandering back to how the Dwendalians keep treating him like some foolish, stupid child. How he confided in the Gentleman of all people about his loneliness and fear for his family. How the hand dashing him against the stone is only getting worse. He can’t even bring himself to think it’s selfish to worry more about his problems than the group’s anymore. He’s been so good at keeping everything neatly separated into little boxes, one for each problem, and he’ll get to them when he gets to them but everything’s been upturned. And he’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t notice the flare of his nostrils or the irate twitch of his ears and tail.

“Caduceus?” Someone asks him, he can’t quite tell who through the haze, “can you-?”

“No, I can’t,” he spits through his teeth with a wave of icy anger.

A beat of silence settles over the table in surprise from his answer.

Yasha speaks from the other end of the table, “Caduceus? What’s the matter?”

“Yeah! What is it, Caduceus?? We’ll help you!” Jester chimes in so saccharine he nearly chokes on it, like honeyed tea that had been left to sit for too long.

His tail stills behind him, voice soft but lowered into a growl, “No you won’t.”

That catches everyone’s attention.

“Woah, who took a shit in your breakfast?” Nott might be trying to lighten the mood but he doubts it.

Caduceus stands up from his seat and starts back towards his room upstairs, “I have to go.”

“Oh, uh, when will you be back? Do you need any of us to come with you?” Yasha asks.

He answers like nothing is wrong, not looking back, “No, I’m not coming back.”

There’s a clatter as one or two of them drop silverware and some of them scramble to get out of their chairs and to their feet to follow after him. But none of the clamor gets him to look back as he continues on to grab his bag and what few of his belongings are loose in his shared room with Fjord. A hand reaches for his shoulder and he shrugs it off like it’s nothing. They’re all trying to talk to him as he pulls his bag together but he filters them out easily. He’s the youngest sibling, it’s not exactly a hard task for him.

“Caduceus, please! What are you doing? You can’t leave!” Jester pleads.

“I am a grown man, I can come and go as I please. And I need to go. Let go of my arm please,” he shakes his arm wildly trying to shake her grip.

“Why-why are you leaving?” Caleb asks, unsure, a jitter to his voice.

The hand smashes his face against that stone again.

It takes a considerable amount of self-control to keep his voice in check, coming across as burning-cold anger, “The Grove. The Blooming Grove, my home, the place currently  _ dying _ from a blight. I left because I thought there was a chance of healing it if I went with you. It’s been months and all my progress has stalled.  _ I. Am. Running. Out. Of. Time. _ I still don’t know where my family is. And quite frankly I’m tired of getting  _ eaten _ every other fight. There’s more.  **_So much more_ ** . But we don’t have time for all that right now so let me go.”

He finally manages to shake his arm hard enough to make Jester fall off.

“But-,” Nott starts.

“But what?” He snaps, “You killed me!”

“I apologized! It was an accident!”

“That’s not the point!” He doesn’t quite notice how she flinches and backpedals at the combination of his anger and looming height over her.

Beau keeps her distance but bristles a little at the outburst, “Cad, we can find your family. Things have kind of snowballed into something bigger but we’re still going to find your family and heal the Grove.”

Fjord finally speaks up, from his place at the back of the group almost too quiet to hear him, but Caduceus has uncannily good hearing.

“ _ Please stay, I love you _ .”

Caduceus shoulders through the group to Fjord, nearly encroaching on his space enough to make him back up against the wall. His blood pounds angrily in his ears. He knows, he  _ knows _ Fjord isn’t great at reading people but he also knows that Fjord is a  _ proficient _ liar. He doesn’t want to think that Fjord would stoop to such a level to get him to stay. Doesn’t know  _ why _ Fjord would stoop so low. But he’s known him to stoop to desperate measures when backed up against the wall. His current status as a paladin is more than proof of that.

“ ** _NOW YOU WANT TO TELL ME THAT?!_** ” He unleashes the floodgates on his anger, hot tears are burning in the corners of his eyes and he can see the ~~crocodile~~ tears beading up in Fjord’s. He’s never looked this small to him before. But looming over him, the tears and flush make him seem small.

“Caduceus!” Fjord’s voice breaks.

“ **_Now of all times?_ ** ” Indignance seeps into his almost rage.

Fjord looks like he’s going to try and take his hand but thinks better of it, his tears starting to fall, “Caduceus, please, we can fix this.”

“Wrong!  _ I’m _ going to fix this. I have the crystals, I know where I need to go, I’m just going to do it and go. I don’t need six people to throw some crystals in a pool!”

“ _ I  _ need you!” Fjord goes for it and takes his hand.

Caduceus doesn’t immediately pull his hand away, “No you don’t.”

“Caduceus…,” Jester’s voice trails off.

He snatches his hand back from Fjord and turns to leave the room, “Have fun with the Chained Oblivion and this war. I have my own business to deal with and I’ve ignored it for long enough.”

“Duceus!” Fjord calls after him.

“Good luck, Fjord,” he doesn’t look back.

The others don’t catch up to him to stop him, maybe arguing among themselves why he’s doing this, what they did wrong, should they come after him? But in the meantime it gives him enough time to completely leave the Shimmerward and it’s not much further until he’s reached the city gates. He does draw a few stares as he follows the crowds towards his destination but doesn’t think much of it. So fucking close to being out of this place and back on the road. All he has to do is leave and he’ll finally be that much closer to healing the Grove. He can get rid of that invisible hand.

When he finally makes camp just off the roadside and gets a campfire going he just stares into the fire for a few minutes. With a sigh he pulls the incense and a vial of water out of his bag to set up the spell. After a day on the road, he’s calmer now, and the doubt is starting to settle in. A little guidance, reassurance maybe? That’s what he needs at the moment.

What three questions? He only has three and he has to figure out the most effective ones.

The warmth settles over him, washes over him like facing a sunset, “Wildmother.”

“ _ My Clay _ ,” Her voice responds in acknowledgment.

“Am I on the right path?” It’s a vague question but ‘Should I have left’ feels so much worse even though that’s what he means.

“ _ Yes _ ,” the wind blows warm around him.

The answer makes his chest tighten unbiddenly, “Are there any other Clays at the Menagerie?”

Another affirmative gust of warm wind blows around him.

_ Did he mean it? _

“Can I do this on my own?” He finally settles on a question.

“ _ Unclear _ ,” the wind whispers in his ears.

The spell fades and he’s left with a smoldering bowl of incense. It feels, cold somehow. Not literally, the fire is still burning bright in front of him. Alone, that’s it. And the unasked questions still hang heavy over him. That look on Fjord’s face is burned into his mind. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled and the subtle tremble of his chin as he pleaded. How deep the flush went once he really started crying. No. He has to shake off the thought, the regret that’s already sinking its claws into him.

Why had he said that? Told him now of all the times he could have? Fjord isn’t the best at reading people, but maybe he was just a lot more obvious than he thought he’d been. But now all he can do is stare into the fire and repeat the whole thing over and over again in his mind. Can’t help but wonder if maybe Fjord had been telling the truth. Can’t help but wonder if he’s made a horrible mistake.


End file.
